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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Spiffy,
Do you ever eat humans? If so, where do you get them? If not, where would you get them?
-O. B. Reinselino/Dog-fondler
Dear O. B.,
Ghoulfriend here. I'll be fielding Spiffy's questions for the next two weeks; she's off to the Himalayas, climbing K2 with a new friend. They stuck me with a family of squirrels and a credit card bill for $83,000.
Spiffy does not prefer human flesh, though she has tried it in the past in the form of a postal worker. She found it indigestible, as do we all (it's the polyester uniform, I think). The meat rendered her temporarily emotionally unstable and she tried to shoot my secretary, claiming that she was dissatisfied with her "working conditions." Thankfully we were able to talk her down before she did any real damage. I had to rush her to the emergency room where she was diagnosed with borborygmous and acute manic-depression. The vet prescribed Paragoric and Lithium and sent her home to recover. After that debacle, I enforced a strict diet of rice-based dog food and Greenies. She's been fine, though a bit squirrelly, since then.
If you're searching for a human meal, almost any place is rife with prey, though if you don't have assistance, choose loners. If you'd prefer not to get your hands dirty, we have a convenient take-out service that delivers fabulous, nutritious meals. They'll even do something made-to-order if you're in the mood for an exotic dish. The service is reasonably priced and it keeps our drones occupied. Thanks for writing!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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