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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Spiffy,
Since Spring has arrived, we squirrels want to leave our nests and go about the business of being squirrels. I live in a tree in your back yard. I have a family that I need to feed. I need to investigate other trees in the area to find food. But I have a little problem: YOU. Every time I reach the ground, you chase me back up the tree. Why do you do this? You have other creatures in your house that you can play with, no? You have made me a laughingstock with the rest of the squirrel population in the neighborhood. I would like to hold my ground, but I don't know if you want to play with me or kill me. If you could just make your intentions clear to me, we may be able to work something out. Perhaps we can craft a schedule for use of the yard. I'll use the yard and surrounding trees during the day, and you can use the yard after dark. It seems to be a perfectly equitable solution. Do I have your agreement on this?
-Bruno DiFilippo
Silver Maple, Back Yard
Dear Bruno,
Meep! Eeee-eep, ewaaawwww, eee!
-Spiffy
TRANSLATION:
Dear Bruno,,
You didn't know I spoke Squirrel, did you? I actually wrote the Canine-Squirrel Dictionary and Common Phrases™. It's a required text for participants in the cultural exchange program at S.U.C.S. I'll be sure to give you a signed copy when I next see you.
I'm just devastated that you have misunderstood my intentions. I would never harm a squirrel; I don't even like Brunswick Stew. I merely want to establish a rapport with you and your family. You see, I don't know how to climb trees and I was hoping you would teach me your technique. I'm in excellent physical condition and there's no earthly reason why I would be unable to accomplish this task. I have already purchased some high-end climbing gear (harness, ropes, carabiners, belay devices, etc.) and I'm ready to go when you are. You will see that I am quite serious about this. I've wanted to discuss this with you for some time now, but you always run from me before I can even introduce myself. In exchange for your tutelage, I am willing to open my home to you and share my cats' food, toys, beds and litter boxes with you and your delightful family. The cats don't eat nuts and acorns, but the Fancy Feast is quite good and placed too high for me to reach. You should have no trouble obtaining it. Please let me know when my lessons can begin. My best to your family.
-Spiffy
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