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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Spiffy,
The family that I have chosen to grace with my presence is moving to San Antonio. It is very hot there and I am a Pomeranian with a lot of fur. I have two questions for you: Do you have any extra room at your house? If not, what should I do to get prepared for living in Texas?
(I do not speak dog-spanish).
Sincerely,
-Pombie
Dear Pombie,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!™
-Spiffy
TRANSLATION:
Dear Pombie,
I do have room for you, Pombie, so if you'd like to start packing your bags, you're more than welcome here. As long as you understand that all the food in the house belongs to me, we should get along just fine. If you'd rather eat on a regular basis, there are certain things you can do to prepare for your exile to the land of repressed cheerleaders.
First off, you'll have to make your guardians understand that under no circumstances will you enter a beauty pageant or rodeo. Most Texans' social lives revolve around these two activities and unless you're willing to prance around in a tiara, gown and high heels, or be roped and tied by midgets, it would be best to put your foot down now.
You're right about the weather, Pombie; it's very hot there, so you'll require regular grooming. You must also insist that your guardians provide you with a large, in-ground swimming pool surrounded by lush foliage, and a swarthy cabana boy to cater to your desires. Ask for weekly massages, too. Moving is very stressful and these are creature comforts you simply cannot do without. If your family really loves you, they will be amenable to your demands. If you run into any problems convincing them, let me know and I'll send Guido, Frankie and Sparkles down for a visit. I'm sure your family will remember them and will make the necessary adjustments immediately.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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