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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I emailed you about my Christmas quandary a few weeks ago. Your advice was very helpful. However, I wasn't able to "convert" everyone. After all, we needed something for a Christmas feast, right? As a thank you, I sent you a care package. I hope you got it.
My question isn't related to that, though. I recently had a chupacabra take up residence in my neighborhood. He has proceeded to pick off most of the neighborhood animals, which scares the humans and makes it near impossible to get a good meal. I don't know what I should do, but I knew you were the person to ask for advice. Thank you in advance.
-DSZ
Dear DSZ,
I would like to thank you for the lovely aprÚs Christmas gift. The braised hypothalamus was tender and juicy; was that a touch of nutmeg I tasted?
Ah, those pesky chupacabras are at it again, I see. I swear, they are worse than raccoons. A chupacabra got into my garbage one night several months ago. He made such a racket rolling the can around that I had to go outside in my nightie and yell at him to scare him away. He high-tailed it for the neighbor's yard where he glowered at me from a tree branch for almost thirty minutes. I debated calling the police, but the thought of them going through my garbage made me a little nervous. Besides, they may have just written off the complaint as a hoax, and me as a kook; most people don't believe in the existence of chupacabras.
Chupacabras are not members of The League of the Living Dead. They are living beings, and because they do not typically prey on humans, they are not permitted even nominal membership in our union. We regard them as the lowest of the low when it comes to cryptozoological entities. We have no respect for those who skulk around at night preying on innocent cats, dogs and goats.
A distant cousin of mine in West Virginia actually married a chupacabra (there -- I've admitted it). Her husband and their eighteen goat-sucking children have decimated the canine population of Preston County. Of course, he "can't" find normal employment because he sleeps all day and stays out all night carousing with his small-mammal-chasing friends. Not one of her kids even made it through Kindergarten. Each one of them was expelled for bringing inappropriate lunches to school and making terroristic threats against their school-mates' pets. Several of them have done time in the local juvenile detention center. The family relies on public assistance for everything from vet bills to mutton. She has a part-time job at Wal-Mart from which she pays the electric and cable bills. They have no phone. She showed such promise when she was in high school, too -- everyone thought she'd go to the prestigious cosmetology school in Wheeling, but then she hooked up with that guy and her life went to Hell.
You must rid your neighborhood of the chupacabra menace before it lowers your property values and depletes your culinary options. I don't normally advocate violence toward non-human entities, but I shall make an exception in this case. Chupacabras don't taste very good -- their skin is leathery and their flesh emits a sulfurous odor, but it's not completely unpalatable when properly marinated and grilled. Set a trap with a take-out order of Goat Curry from your local Indian restaurant and fire up the Weber! Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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