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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Spiffy,
I enjoy your column very much and I wouldn't think of starting my week without reading it! I am now in need of your advice and would appreciate it if you could help me.
I think a family of squirrels has taken up residence in my attic and they keep me awake at all hours of the night. Is there some humane way I can evict them? I will look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
-J. Toliver
Dear J.
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!
-Spiffy
TRANSLATION:
Dear J.,
I am afraid you are mistaken. Squirrels are diurnal creatures and as such, sleep soundly throughout the night. I suspect a family of pygmy vampires has moved in and is currently remodeling your attic. These fearsome creatures are known for their diminutive stature, disproportionately bloodthirsty tendencies and an obsession with interior decorating. They don't normally harm the owner of the home they inhabit but I'd rather wear earplugs to bed than try and evict the pygmies. They're pretty nasty when they're riled. Good luck.
-Spiffy
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