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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Spiffy,
I've recently discovered HUGE rats in my basement and I want to get rid of them humanely. I'm a member of PETA and I don't believe in killing animals, but I also feel squeamish about sharing my living quarters with rodents. Help!
-Larry
Cut Bank, MT
Dear Larry,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!
-Spiffy
TRANSLATION:
Dear Larry,
Until the weather breaks, you will have to let the rats live in your home. Although I don't share your revulsion, I do understand it, but throwing your rats out into the cold Montana winter would mean certain death for them. PETA will surely revoke your membership if they find you've evicted your furry companions before spring arrives. If your basement is anything like mine, the rats would be better off upstairs, perhaps in front of a fireplace or in a cozy bed with thick comforters. I'm not suggesting you share your bed with them, of course, but I'm sure you have a guest room you're not currently using. Once they've been relocated to their new quarters, they'll also require regular, nutritious meals. Rats prefer home-cooking, but they will settle for high-quality take-out in a pinch. The warmth and nourishing food may lead to a population explosion, but don't fret. They'll soon be moving outdoors for the summer. You'll have several months to build your new, Jacuzzi-equipped addition in preparation for their re-entry into your home next fall. Hope that helps!
-Spiffy
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