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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
My back hurts and my doctor can't find anything wrong with it. I am in excruciating pain every day and it's very difficult to even get out of bed. I can't work anymore, but I can't get disability because all the tests have been negative or inconclusive. Do you have any idea what could be wrong with me or how I can fix it? Does the League have any doctors that can work on mortal humans?
-Quasimodo
Dear Quasimodo,
I hope you're sitting down because I have some news that may shock you. I have consulted with our staff physicians and they are quite convinced that you are going to die. While it may not seem like good news to you, I can assure you, it is. There is nothing that any physician, mortal or otherwise, can do to ease your pain. Your suffering will worsen until you descend into madness and throw yourself from the nearest bell tower, onto a busy street where the majority of pedestrians and motorists will pass you by. The few who stop will see you writhing in pain, and instead of assisting you, they will applaud because they will believe you are a performance artist from Circus Apocalypse which just happens to be in town. In an ironic twist, you will have tickets to their opening night in your pocket! This is not merely conjecture; this is a prophecy of the deceased, famed psychic, A. Casey, upon whom we occasionally call to speak through Spiffy.
Cheer up, though -- there is something you can do to avoid this tragic and messy end. You must immediately phone your local League office to arrange for a house-call by one of our transformation specialists. He or she will be happy to visit you right away. With one swift bite (and the sacrifice of a few inconsequential body parts), your pain will cease forever, and you'll still be able to catch the circus when it comes to town!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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