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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
Now that Franny has come and gone, we are still suffering from our previous houseguest, Charlie. Don't get me wrong, we are very happy that none of our people became dead or undead from their visits, but our roof is still dripping and has caved in over the garage, bath and one bedroom.
Worst of all, my insurance company is airing commercials on how they will be there with "check in hand" on the next day! That was 3 weeks ago!
So, my question is: Are there any League members who were once insurance adjusters OR even better, would like to meet an insurance adjuster? I am more than happy to have some of your people "lay in wait" for this "human" when (s)he finally shows up.
Many of my neighbors will also volunteer their insurance adjusters to meet your League members as well. Just please wait until we get the paperwork signed. Hell, I'll even throw in a contractor or two once they fix the roof. If this program works out we can expand it to include all sorts of folks including my UPS guys who constantly leaves packages in the hot sun or knocks on my door so hard it makes a dent. Please let me know.
-Frantic from Franny
Dear Frantic,
As you now know, insurance adjusters are just barely human. Nevertheless, some of our hungrier and less discerning members are willing to take a stab at your little piece of the rock, so to speak. We understand that you'll need to have all your paperwork signed, sealed and delivered beforehand, and we will wait until all of your ducks are in a row. We at the League of the Living Dead feel that this could be the beginning of a beautifully symbiotic relationship and we thank you for this opportunity to work with you and your neighbors.
It would be best to commence the attack indoors so that other adjusters and contractors in the neighborhood aren't alerted to impending danger. You will want to purchase some large plastic tarps and duct tape to protect your carpeting and walls. If you'd be so kind, would you mind if my colleagues waited in your foyer? They have promised to be on their best behavior around you and if the adjuster questions their "disheveled" appearance, just tell him that Frances blew them all the way up from Nassau and they're a bit overwrought from their ordeal. Once the papers are in the bag, just give my people the signal, and they'll be all over that adjuster like green on grass. We will then need to convene a meeting with your neighbors to discuss their complaints with insurance adjusters, unscrupulous contractors and inept delivery personnel.
Because this mission will require an on-going presence in your neighborhood for an indeterminate period of time, it would behoove us to establish residency in a damaged, abandoned home on your block while we eradicate the vermin plaguing your community. It will be necessary to have a secure base of operations in order to coordinate our efforts. Our home can also serve as a lair into which we can lure unsuspecting prey (fly-by-night home remodelers and other scam artists), thereby keeping the resulting carnage off the street, and in the home, where it belongs!
Thank you, Frantic, for requesting our help. We look forward to a long and fruitful partnership with you and your lovely community and we guarantee that you will be pleased with our "work."
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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