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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I have recently become aware of a rather disturbing issue resulting in considerable concern among the management of the Lake Titicaca Tourist Bureau.
A local schmata dealer Mr. Paca has recently been brought up on charges of discrimination and leveraging outsourced resources to hunt down and inflict devouring consequences on a visiting insurance agent which has negatively impacted the local tourist industry. Mr. Paca emphatically admits to his actions and was also quoted as saying "I took and burned all his photos of that guy in the red bathing suit and all his Steve Reeves movies too". During a search of Mr. Paca's place of business, your card was found with Mr. Paca's scribblings on it.
A local café has been devastated and all patrons lost. The only remaining item was a briefcase containing the book "1001 Ways to Disguise Propaganda as Good Journalism" which Mr. Paca admits he left behind when he took and burned the other contents.
Now for the real issue:
How do we politely say "thank you" and ask your legions to return to where they came? Apparently they like the weather and especially the local flavor. And also what to do with Mr. Paca since there is no law for what he really did (we are not even really sure what he did) and the charges we are leveling will not stick since the Republicans took over the local legislature.
Regards,
John von Ghoul
LTTB
Dear Mr. von Ghoul,
I'm terribly sorry that my people made such a shambles of your lovely locale in their attempts to capture a fugitive from justice. My associates do everything in their power to avoid collateral damage, but sometimes these things just happen. Please be assured that The League will pay all damages to the cafÚ. As for the patrons, I'm sure they were delicious; please offer our sincerest apologies and gratitude to their families. You must understand that despite the carnage resulting from his capture, Tommy was far more dangerous to the safety and well-being of your townsfolk and tourists than my League members could ever hope to be. With all due respect, Mr. von Ghoul, your own authorities would have been useless against that wily criminal, and Mr. Paca should be commended rather than punished for calling in our hunters. It is truly a blessing that your Mr. Paca got in touch with us when he did, or your people would have lost much more than just their lives. Tommy was a most disreputable character and had no qualms about stealing people's money, trust and self respect. The world is a better place without him.
Now, to the matter of Mr. Paca: I would like to post bail for him immediately and I have hired Cocky Johnran to assist in his defense. Cocky is a League member and he almost never loses a case, regardless of the mounds of evidence against his clients. The few times he has lost can be counted on one hand, and in those instances, he ate the judge and juries. Either way, his clients always go free. You would do well just to drop the charges against Mr. Paca so as to avoid a potentially messy outcome. Although, as you stated, discrimination and outsourcing are not of serious consequence to most Republican administrations, and I expect that Mr. Paca will resume tending his schmata business in no time.
As for your tourist dollars drying up, we wanted to help you with that, and I'm happy to tell you that the board of directors of The League of the Living Dead has unanimously agreed to hold our annual convention in your city. League members from all over the world will descend upon your beautiful city in less than four months! All your hotels will be sold out within the week and we can put all that lost revenue, and more, right back into the town's coffers! We always take care of those who take care of us.
Thank you for writing, Mr. von Ghoul; I look forward to MEATING you in May.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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