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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Madam,
I am Bartholomew Smith of L. I. Eames & Associates (Solicitors and Advocates), attorney to Mr. Robert Waits (late), a mechanical engineering consultant and hereinafter referred to as "my deceased client."
My deceased client and his family unfortunately died on the 8th day of August 2003 en-route to board a flight to Austria. Whereas he did not write a will or leave information that could trace or locate his relatives, I am saddled with the responsibility to provide his relative who will inherit his outstanding contracts payment of $13,000,000.00 as stated in the notice that I received from a bank, and A. Acme Steel Company where my deceased client executed contracts, to provide my deceased client's relative who will inherit the contracts payment or have it confiscated.
Subsequently, I am unable to locate any of the relatives. And rather than leave the payment confiscated I seek your assistance so that we can inherit the overdue contracts payment. I, as the deceased's attorney, have the jurisdiction to process a court affidavit and letter of administration that will award the account to us. There is no risk with the transaction, as it will be processed within the limit of law.
Yours faithfully,
-B. Smith Esq.
L. I. Eames & Associates
Dear B. S.,
I suppose you have the right, as Robert's former attorney, to know the truth about his so-called demise, and to put forever to rest the notion that you'll ever see a dime of his money.
On the morning of August 8, 2003, Robert and his family were, indeed, enroute to the airport to board a flight to Austria. This is where the accuracy of your account ends. Pressures from his career and his soulless, social-climbing wife had become intolerable to Robert, and he contacted our crisis hotline for counseling. After an initial consultation in early May, Robert enrolled in our popular "Suicide by Zombie" service which was being offered at 50% off the regular rate. A date and time were agreed upon, and Robert set about getting his affairs in order.
On the way to the airport that fateful day, Robert pulled off the road, ostensibly to check the pressure in a tire, and he invited his wife and kids to step out of the vehicle to stretch their legs. My associates who had been waiting nearby lurched out of the woods and attacked the family. Robert's nagging wife was quickly dispatched and incinerated. The three children were bitten and placed in the care of a foster family where they underwent deprogramming and reorientation. (They are now the fiercest members of the Junior League of the Living Dead.) Robert's wife's remains and inconsequential body parts of the other family members were strewn about the site for purposes of identification. The car was pushed onto nearby railroad tracks and smashed into oblivion.
Robert's estate was subsequently divided among The League of the Living Dead, his offshore bank account and his darling, bloodthirsty children. He was extremely generous with us and remains in our employ designing the first-ever Zombie theme park, soon to open in Orlando, Florida. We just love him. Thanks for writing!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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