Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Strictly Business

Dear Ghoulfriend,
Recently I caught a person trying to steal sweaters from from my clothing stand! As I was beating him with my broom, a picture of some guy in a red bathing suit fell out of his briefcase along with your business card. I am appealing to your sense of what is right to help me find this guy. He was last seen at a local cafe drinking a glass of milk.
Desperately seeking justice,
-Al Paca
P.S. As an offering of good faith on my part, I have included a favorite family recipe.
Traditionally made with beef hearts, you can make any necessary substitutions.

Peruvian Anticuchos
Peruvian Anticuchos are traditionally made with beef hearts. However, if you're a member of the League or wary of offal, they're equally delicious made with human hearts and perfect for the BBQ or when grilling outdoors.

Firstly make sure the heart is clean of all veins and fat. Cut the heart or rump steak in small 3 to 4 cm (1 to 1-1ò2 in) cubes. In a large bowl mix the vinegar, oil, salt, pepper, crushed garlic, chili pepper and ground cumin. Add the heart cubes and let the heart marinate for several hours or overnight. If you are using rump steak you do not need to marinate the meat for as long. Remove the meat cubes, lightly salt them and put 3 pieces onto each metal skewer. Cook over a hot grill for approximately 3 minutes per side, brushing them with the vinegar mix. Serve immediately with steamed corn on the cob and boiled potatoes (editors note: or, as we discovered, raw brains and entrails are also a delightful side-dish).


Dear Mr. Paca,
On behalf of the United States of America and my organization, I would like to apologize for the rudeness and vulgarity with which the insurance agent formerly known as Tommy conducted himself while a guest in your beautiful country. I have in my possession four of the sweaters he stole from you, and I have wired money to your bank account as reimbursement for them (plus a little extra for that fabulous recipe - we tried it out in our test kitchens using Tommy's heart and rump -- sans the neon green thong, of course). The craftsmanship in these sweaters is without equal! They are exquisitely knitted, and soft and warm; I will cherish them always. The bloodstains and bits of gristle were easy to remove and they're as good as new. I've had oodles of compliments on them, so expect more business to come your way! Trust that Tommy will steal no more sweaters from your stand or from anyone else's.

Due to your quick thinking and civic-mindedness, my associates were able to surprise Tommy in that cafÚ just as he was finishing his milk. As I'm sure you've heard, there were some casualties among the bystanders, but this could not be avoided. It's never a good idea to get between two zombies in the throes of a feeding frenzy. They scraped up Tommy's remains (carefully, so as not to snag the sweater he was wearing), put them in bags, and shipped them to my office in dry ice.

Mr. Paca, I simply don't know how to thank you. I know several families in Orlando who will be thrilled beyond belief when I tell them the news that Tommy's days of victimizing innocent people are finally over. I'm sure they'll happily send you passes to some of the the exciting and culturally relevant theme parks in their area. You have truly done a wonderful thing, and I can assure you that no League member will ever harm a hair on your head. In fact, I would like to bestow an honorary membership on you (this will ensure your safe passage through the New Jersey swamps should you ever find yourself in the neighborhood). If you ever need anything, please call on me; I will be honored to help you in any way I can. It's humans like you that almost make me feel guilty about eating people.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Strictly Business

Dear Ghoulfriend,
Recently I caught a person trying to steal sweaters from from my clothing stand! As I was beating him with my broom, a picture of some guy in a red bathing suit fell out of his briefcase along with your business card. I am appealing to your sense of what is right to help me find this guy. He was last seen at a local cafe drinking a glass of milk.
Desperately seeking justice,
-Al Paca
P.S. As an offering of good faith on my part, I have included a favorite family recipe.
Traditionally made with beef hearts, you can make any necessary substitutions.

Peruvian Anticuchos
Peruvian Anticuchos are traditionally made with beef hearts. However, if you're a member of the League or wary of offal, they're equally delicious made with human hearts and perfect for the BBQ or when grilling outdoors.

Firstly make sure the heart is clean of all veins and fat. Cut the heart or rump steak in small 3 to 4 cm (1 to 1-1ò2 in) cubes. In a large bowl mix the vinegar, oil, salt, pepper, crushed garlic, chili pepper and ground cumin. Add the heart cubes and let the heart marinate for several hours or overnight. If you are using rump steak you do not need to marinate the meat for as long. Remove the meat cubes, lightly salt them and put 3 pieces onto each metal skewer. Cook over a hot grill for approximately 3 minutes per side, brushing them with the vinegar mix. Serve immediately with steamed corn on the cob and boiled potatoes (editors note: or, as we discovered, raw brains and entrails are also a delightful side-dish).


Dear Mr. Paca,
On behalf of the United States of America and my organization, I would like to apologize for the rudeness and vulgarity with which the insurance agent formerly known as Tommy conducted himself while a guest in your beautiful country. I have in my possession four of the sweaters he stole from you, and I have wired money to your bank account as reimbursement for them (plus a little extra for that fabulous recipe - we tried it out in our test kitchens using Tommy's heart and rump -- sans the neon green thong, of course). The craftsmanship in these sweaters is without equal! They are exquisitely knitted, and soft and warm; I will cherish them always. The bloodstains and bits of gristle were easy to remove and they're as good as new. I've had oodles of compliments on them, so expect more business to come your way! Trust that Tommy will steal no more sweaters from your stand or from anyone else's.

Due to your quick thinking and civic-mindedness, my associates were able to surprise Tommy in that cafÚ just as he was finishing his milk. As I'm sure you've heard, there were some casualties among the bystanders, but this could not be avoided. It's never a good idea to get between two zombies in the throes of a feeding frenzy. They scraped up Tommy's remains (carefully, so as not to snag the sweater he was wearing), put them in bags, and shipped them to my office in dry ice.

Mr. Paca, I simply don't know how to thank you. I know several families in Orlando who will be thrilled beyond belief when I tell them the news that Tommy's days of victimizing innocent people are finally over. I'm sure they'll happily send you passes to some of the the exciting and culturally relevant theme parks in their area. You have truly done a wonderful thing, and I can assure you that no League member will ever harm a hair on your head. In fact, I would like to bestow an honorary membership on you (this will ensure your safe passage through the New Jersey swamps should you ever find yourself in the neighborhood). If you ever need anything, please call on me; I will be honored to help you in any way I can. It's humans like you that almost make me feel guilty about eating people.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


More Strictly Business

Return to the Table of Contents