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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
Recently I attended a Shriner's convention near Lake Titicaca, and some clown said I looked like an insurance agent. I am now in the process of burning my entire wardrobe. Where should I shop for new clothes? I knew a really good tailor in the 1980's but he moved to work for the emperor.
-J. Boid
Dear J. Boid,
An insurance agent!? I suspect you're not J. Boid at all, but rather, the notorious Tommy the Allstate Agent from Hell! You only want a new wardrobe so that you can elude the League members who are after you, don't you? New clothes won't help you, Tommy. My people will sniff you out no matter what you're wearing. You may want to try a different cologne, though. The combination of English Leather and Blimpie's Subs makes for a really nauseating fragrance cocktail.
So, you've traveled all the way to Peru since your escape. No matter, the living dead are everywhere and our Peruvian brothers are wily. Trust me when I tell you that you'll have an out-of-body experience like none other!
Now, about your wardrobe: while a change of clothes won't increase your odds of surviving the ravening horde of undead headed your way, it will make you feel better about yourself, and it's always better to die with high self esteem. Peruvian clothing is beautiful, so while you're still alive, try to avail yourself of some Alpaca sweaters. Don't worry about spending a little more on them than you normally spend on clothes; well-made clothes are timeless and those sweaters will never go out of style. We are masters at blood-stain removal and your soft, gorgeous sweaters will keep us warm at League headquarters for many winters to come! Thank you in advance.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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