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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
My brother -- let's just call him "Cruel-Intentioned Hunter" -- is a big loser and he doesn't have any friends so he just sits at home all day and night, sniping at people on internet message boards. He has never had a girlfriend or a job and he has no idea how the real world works, but he expects everyone to pay him constant attention and heed his advice on all matters of business, politics and philosophy. He believes the world should revolve around him, and only him. He is barely literate and when people disagree with him or chastise him for one of his ignorant comments, he gets really nasty and leaves libelous (and misspelled) posts for which he could probably be sued, but no one knows who he really is, so he's safe as long as our mother lets him live in her basement. He is sour and bitter and he hates everyone almost as much as he hates himself. Would you like to take him out for "dinner?" You'll have to drive because he doesn't know how.
-C-I H's sister
Dear C-I H's sister,
I would rather chew glass than have your brother for dinner. I once met someone just like him, and he was extremely difficult to digest. My stomach had to be pumped (a dangerous procedure for a zombie) and I spent the better part of a week in the hospital trying to forget the vile taste he left in my mouth.
Interestingly, I met him online, on a message board The League of the Living Dead used to maintain to lure lonely hearts and losers, until we realized that losers taste lousy. He was always quarrelsome with other members of the boards, and had an overblown sense of entitlement, much like your brother. He was of limited intelligence and only marginally literate, though he considered himself an intellectual without equal. He deluded himself into believing he was seducing me, and I agreed to meet him at a seedy motel on the outskirts of town. As soon as I entered his room, I instantly realized that his combative online demeanor was nothing more than compensation for microscopic genitalia, a condition for which there is no cure. I almost pitied him at that moment, but I ripped out his throat, nonetheless. After all, it was clear that he had no future in this world and he might as well serve some higher purpose. When I remembered the small and sniveling things he'd written on our boards, I flushed his brain down the toilet. Shortly after that, I became so ill that I drove myself to the hospital, and the rest, as they say, is history. The League decided that "internet dining" was just too creepy and our message boards were removed from our website. We've all returned to the safer and more satisfying method of hunting in three dimensions.
So, to answer your question, dear -- No. I will not take your brother out for a bite. I do not wish to meet him face to face. It's better that he remain safely behind his computer monitor. After all, living death is too short to dance with ugly men.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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