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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
My 30 year old husband is terribly rude and vulgar. I hate going out in public with him, but he insists that I drag him along to every function to which I'm invited. He says inappropriate things to strangers and picks fights everywhere we go. He belches loudly and makes other disgusting sounds when we're in church. He thinks it's funny. What can I do to instill some sorely-needed manners in him? At this point I'm only staying with him because he makes a lot of money.
-Desperately seeking guidance
Dear Desperate,
It sounds as if your husband's emotional development was arrested at age eleven. Unfortunately, he's now at the point where training in an etiquette boot camp (The League has several across the country) may not succeed. We have found that when humans have passed thirty years of age, they are determinedly set in their ways and some are destined to be ill-mannered cretins for life. This only gets worse with time. Luckily, for a small fee, our boot camps also offer prefrontal lobotomies and, for those hopeless cases, euthanasia, should that prove to be the only humane course of action. If we opt to have your husband "put down", we would encourage you to avail yourself of our bereavement counseling and retraining workshops. You will learn that you are fully capable of providing a meaningful life for yourself.
My dear, you cannot afford to wait; this is not a problem that will fix itself. You must make a proactive decision right now regarding the quality of your own existence. You can either slog through the long and arduous remaining years of your life with this burdensome boor dragging you down, or you can make a positive change and, one way or another, rid yourself of this embarrassment for all time. Please contact your local League office today.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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