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Dear Ghoulfriend and Spiffy,
This question is for Spiffy but feel free to throw your two cents in as well, Ghoulfriend. My roommate has two dogs and for the last couple of years I've noticed a lot of promise in one of them. She's intelligent, quiet, stealthy, and cunning. While those are all admirable qualities in a canine that's not why I'm writing this letter. She also has another talent: she likes to eat the brains out of her stuffed toys. That's right, we aren't talking about just the evisceration and simple dismemberment of her toys but a seemingly surgical precision in her exploits. Our little "Jane the Ripper" likes to take out the eyes first, one at a time, then walk away for a while. When she gets back to business now it's time for the main course. She likes to go in from the base of the skull and work her way to the delicious poly-filled center of her victim's cranium. This could go on for days at a time. Apparently it's all about pacing and enjoying one's self in the process. This is all done with a cool and controlled technique that gives even me the chills. With that being said should I encourage this behavior or keep my thoughts to myself? I get the uneasy feeling that when I'm rubbing her belly she's not looking at me with approving eyes but with an alien intelligence that's simply looking for an opportune time for her to move on to something a little more...wet. Any advice would be great.
Thanks,
-AW
Dear AW,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!
-Spiffy
TRANSLATION:
Dear AW,
Spiffy here. For a werewolf, you're uncharacteristically squeamish; are you sure you're not a Talking Poodle Ass? You may want to investigate your lineage. Empathy for plush toys is one thing, but it wouldn't do for you to get too soft during one of your full-moon hunting expeditions.
Your roommate's dog reminds me a bit of myself when I was a wee lass. I still enjoy ripping the lips off my stuffed monkey, but I no longer go for the "brains." I discovered long ago that polyfill gets stuck between my teeth and makes for bowel movements that make the two-legged members of my staff shriek in terror. However, eviscerating plush toys is excellent for perfecting dismemberment techniques. I doubt you have much to fear from this dog. She probably recognizes you as an alpha male, or at the very least, a member of her pack.
I think she's ready to move on to some real meat. Book yourselves a trip to Washington, D.C. and turn her loose. Please.
-Spiffy
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