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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Spiffy,
Since the weather has been getting cooler, I've been dressing my Naked Mole Rat "Fluffy" in little fleece sweaters. Now she has a scaly rash on her back and she looks awful. I took her to the vet but he can't figure out what the problem is. She's in otherwise good health, but the rash looks terrible. Do you have any idea what might be causing it?
-M. K. in PA
Dear M. K.,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!
-Spiffy
TRANSLATION:
Dear M. K.,
I suspect the rash is a psychosomatic reaction to being clothed. Naked Mole Rats are naked by birth and by choice, and they are offended by the concept of clothing. Many Naked Mole Rats are needlessly traumatized each year by well-meaning guardians who believe they are doing what's best for their wrinkly wards. Psychiatric pet hospitals are overrun every winter with these psychologically damaged rodents.
I commend your desire to keep Fluffy warm and healthy throughout the fall and winter months, but this can be accomplished with the availability of warm blankets, if necessary. I suggest you look into enrolling Fluffy at a nudist camp in Arizona for the season. She'll be comfortable there, both physically and emotionally, until you retrieve her in the spring, just after the desert blooms. Be sure to pack sunglasses, sunscreen and a beach umbrella to protect her sensitive eyes and skin and set up an account for her at Whole Foods so she has constant access to organic tubers and roots. And don't forget to provide her with some photographs of you, a small refrigerator, a rental car, a credit card, a laptop with printer and DSL connection, a cell phone and postage stamps to stave off homesickness!
-Spiffy
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