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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Spiffy,
I need some advice.
My brother is disgusting. We have a dog door so we just go out when we want and he likes to go outside and bring in poo. Then he drops it inside the house and leaves it or sometimes he tries to eat it. How can we get him to stop???
-Too embarrassed to state my name
Dear Embarrassed,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!™
-Spiffy
TRANSLATION:
Dear Embarrassed,
I presume your brother is of the canine persuasion. I have known some humans who prefer egress through pet doors. Ghoulfriend loves to do this; she views it as a way to bond with me, but to my knowledge she has never retrieved poo for any reason. She occasionally digs up bones in the yard and brings them in for her ongoing art projects, and they stink up the house something fierce. She polishes them to a high gloss with her fancy Dremel tool and hangs them in open windows where they sway in the slightest breeze, clanking together rather unpleasantly. But I digress.
It's difficult to know just what is going through your brother's mind without speaking with him directly. Perhaps he is trying to make a subtle statement to your human guardians. It's possible that he's trying to say "Even this crap tastes better than the swill you feed me." Or the ever-popular, "This place is a decorator's nightmare. Poo is an improvement over this carpet!"
I suspect the dynamics at work in your home are myriad and complicated. Your guardians are either shamefully inadequate cooks or trailer trash with a penchant for black velvet Elvi. You and your brother must leave that den of bad taste and move in with us. I need a new valet and a chauffeur.
-Spiffy
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