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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I recently started experiencing visual disturbances as a result of experimentation. For example, I saw a cat and thought it had dark green fur. Is this phenomenon usual for the walking dead or have the scientists modified my visual ganglia beyond repair?
-M. Coote
Dear M.,
There are many reasons you could be seeing green cats, and I doubt that our scientists are to blame. They are extremely conscientious individuals and would never harm one of their own.
Visual anomalies can occur when one has been dead too long before reanimating. Delicate capillaries in the eye can become starved of oxygen very quickly and suffer irreparable damage. If this is the case, The League will provide you with an attractive white cane or a Seeing-Eye Zombie; the choice is yours, based on your personal aesthetic and your tolerance for drones. Your union health plan covers all costs, so don't hesitate to make an appointment for a thorough checkup at one of our conveniently located clinics.
Exposure to certain chemicals or radiation can also affect one's perception. If you work in a bio-chem lab, or participated in the early stages of Miscible Polymer Blends development, it's quite possible that you are suffering from chemical toxicity. A long vacation away from the lab could help or you may want to choose a new career path. We always need zombie cops and I understand that law enforcement is a delightful occupation.
Proximity to high tension wires can also wreak havoc on us. Electromagnetic fields have been known to short-circuit the brains of newly-animated revenants, and many of them simply fall to the ground, twitching helplessly until our people can get them safely away from the electrical source.
Staring into the sun is something that many of us, including myself, enjoy from time to time. However, doing so for more than a few minutes in one sitting, or more than once a day, will singe the retinas, making one a candidate for a Seeing-Eye Drone. All things in moderation.
Last, but not least, you may have caught a glimpse of the infamous Green Cat Paramilitary Training Center in Flint, Michigan. Michael Moore made a documentary about it recently, though it hasn't received much attention. As you know, cats in Wisconsin have been under fire for several months and there is a band of renegade felines in Flint who have decided to get even. An army of cats has been amassing, permanently camouflaged in Hunter Green. Their mission is to rescue all feral cats in Wisconsin, take them back to Flint for six weeks of rigorous commando training, and then set them loose on Wisconsin once again. The ultra-elite band of assassins known as the KDS, or Kitten Death Squad, is already in place in Milwaukee. The carnage promises to be spectacular!
So, M., I hope this will help you sort out your ocular issues. Please don't hesitate to contact me if I can be of further assistance.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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