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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Spiffy,
I have an embarrassing bald patch on my butt because I can't stop chewing on it. It's really itchy but I don't have fleas. My mother took me to the vet and he said I might be bipolar. They talked about putting me on antidepressants but I don't want to take drugs. Do you know what might be wrong with me and what will make the itching stop?
-Quincy
Dear Quincy,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!™
-Spiffy
TRANSLATION:
Dear Quincy,
Your guardian is obviously making you a nervous wreck. Anyone who would entertain the fiction of a bipolar dog is clearly out of her mind. Dogs are naturally optimistic creatures and on the rare occasion we do manifest emotional disturbances, a human is always to blame.
You referred to your bald patch as "embarrassing." Which one of you is embarrassed by it? You or the biped? Answer this question truthfully and you may be on the path to recovery before you know it. I suspect I already know which of you is ashamed.
Your "mother" has issues that have extended far beyond their source. I saw her once at the dog park and I overheard her relating a painful story of degradation and humiliation. When she was only eight years old, your mother had the misfortune of landing in Mrs. Goldberg's class, and it was the longest year of her life. Mrs. Goldberg was the most vile, venomous teacher in the entire elementary school. She was also bald. Students who failed tests in her class were subject to abuse and torture; they were locked in dark closets, hung out of windows by their feet and forced to clean erasers with their tongues. One day, your mother forgot to raise her hand before answering a question, instantly incurring the wrath of the villainous Mrs. Goldberg. She was told to approach the teacher's desk and turn to face the class. Mrs. Goldberg crept up behind her and then proceeded to chew all of the hair off your mother's head. Your mother had an instantaneous psychotic episode and was hospitalized until she was fourteen, at which time she had to repeat the third grade. Can you guess who her teacher was? You got it! This led to yet another hospitalization and a hair transplant. She was finally discharged when she was sixteen, and being of legal age to quit school, she did just that. After procuring her GED, she attended a cosmetology school from which she graduated with honors, and won acclaim at all the major hair shows in Europe by the time she was eighteen. She had managed to block the horrific memories of her school years, but she always wondered why pictures of Yul Brynner made her uneasy. Apparently, those memories were beginning to break through. Then she adopted you, and lavished love and attention on you with long walks and hair brushing sessions that lasted late into the night. She is obsessed with your hair, Quincy, so it's no wonder you've started chewing on it. You feel that she has made your hair the most important feature of the relationship and you are striking out in the only way you're able: with psychosomatic itching. Now that you know the full story, perhaps you'll be able to gracefully tolerate the incessant grooming and tongue baths. It's creepy, yes, but it's love.
-Spiffy
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