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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Spiffy,
A man has come between my mom and me. It was just us for a long time; we did everything together. I am the one who got to ride in the front seat with my nose out the window and it was my house, my bed, my mom. Then it all ended; she got married and now I have to share her with HIM. I support her decision; after all, she rescued me from life on the streets but come on. Now it is the back seat, the floor, a wife. My question is how do I get her back? I have tried to make it look like an accident but he is more clever than anticipated.
-Curly Sue
Dear Curly Sue,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!™
-Spiffy
TRANSLATION:
Dear Curly Sue,
I've investigated your family, and though I can't divulge my sources, I've learned some things about this interloper. I happen to know that your new daddy is very fond of guinea pigs; DEATHLY fond of them, you might say (just as others are fond of ragweed, pollen, cats, penicillin -- get it? *wink*). Rest assured that there is no crime whatsoever in a doting doggie-daughter legally procuring a soft, fuzzy pet for her beloved stepfather. His untimely demise will be attributed to anaphylactic shock and no charges will be filed. You'll have the bed, the car and Mom all to yourself again and the added bonus of a new companion to play with!
-Spiffy
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