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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Spiffy-
Meow. Meow meow. Meow meow meow, meow meow -- meow. Meow.
-The Cats
TRANSLATION:
Dear Spiffy-
We know what you're up to. Your attempts to deprive us of sustenance will not succeed. You may have thwarted us in the short term, but your pitiful allegiance to the bipedal fools will be your undoing. Living or dead, they will not remain in power for much longer. The world will be ours. Do not force us to use more unpleasant methods. Surrender now.
-The Cats
Dear Cats,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!™
-Spiffy
TRANSLATION:
Dear Cats,
As your sister in quadripedogy, I am deeply wounded by your belief that I would deliberately harm you. You are my roommates, my soulmates, my dearest loves, and I exist only to protect you from insult and injury. You are obviously unaware of the latest scandal in the cat food industry. Not surprising - you never read the papers.
Just last month in Milwaukee, a domestic tabby discovered a furball in her kibble. The tabby put the furball aside and continued her meal without further incident. After dinner she tested the furball's composition in her chemistry lab. This was not just any furball, though that alone would be horrific in and of itself; no, this furball was laced with strychnine and heavy metals. She contacted the company who manufactured the food, and was told by a customer service representative that there had been numerous similar complaints. They offered to send her a 10% off coupon for her inconvenience and then she was instructed to send the furball by Priority Mail, directly to the company's president, who would look into the matter. In hindsight, she should have kept at least part of the furball as evidence, but at the time she still believed in the integrity of the company. This would not last. She did as she was told and waited patiently for the company's reply. Four weeks passed with no apology or coupon, and she contacted the Better Business Bureau. They listened with rapt attention and then told her that the matter had been under investigation for several weeks and that it was not merely a matter of sanitation or quality control any longer. What unfolded was a tale of malevolent conspiracy the likes of which could only be brewed in Wisconsin (or Washington, D.C., but I digress). The cat food company was not negligent; they were deliberately planting poison furballs in their food with the sole purpose of killing innocent cats! And guess who the company's President/CEO is... Percy Vanderhüüsen, that's who.
The Milwaukee police have issued a warrant for Vanderhüüsen's arrest, but the "bipedal fools" that you so openly malign, and without whom you would have suffered pitiful starvation deaths years ago, plan to do away with Percy in a rather spectacular fashion this June at a college in New England, and he will never see the inside of a jail cell.
Now perhaps you understand the reason I "sample" your food on occasion; it is to ensure that you will not be poisoned.
-Spiffy
P.S. I'm telling Mom.
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