Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Pet Peeves

Dear Spiffy,
I just got a puppy from my local animal shelter and he's chewing up all my stuff. Last night he ate my statistics homework and peed on my calculator. If this keeps up I'm going to get thrown out of my graduate program. What can I do to keep him entertained and away from my stuff?
-Potential Flunkie


Dear P. F.,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!™
-Spiffy

TRANSLATION:

Dear P. F.,
Puppies require nourishing food, regular exercise and vet visits, and unconditional love. I was once a puppy, and I would occasionally chew up the wrong item, simply because no one told me otherwise until it was a fait d'accomplis. Then, of couse, all hell would break loose and you'd think I'd started World War III. If your puppy chews up your things, it is entirely your fault. You will need to put all your things into storage or sell them so that your puppy can enjoy the run of the house without worry. This will be good for you, too. Most humans are slaves to their belongings and you will find that the less you own, the more time you'll have to dote on your puppy. Just imagine entering a home absent of furniture, rugs, electronic equipment and knick-knacks! It's a great feeling! (You can keep your clothing in nets hanging from the ceiling, or in locked, steel crates, and sleep on a mat by the front door.)

Of course, since you will no longer have any belongings, you will need to buy your puppy some appropriate chew toys and nutritious snacks. I'm including a short list of things puppies enjoy eating and chewing, so grab your credit card and start shopping:

Remember, these will not be YOUR things, but be sure to set a good example for your puppy by picking up his toys and putting them away every night.
-Spiffy


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Pet Peeves

Dear Spiffy,
I just got a puppy from my local animal shelter and he's chewing up all my stuff. Last night he ate my statistics homework and peed on my calculator. If this keeps up I'm going to get thrown out of my graduate program. What can I do to keep him entertained and away from my stuff?
-Potential Flunkie


Dear P. F.,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!™
-Spiffy

TRANSLATION:

Dear P. F.,
Puppies require nourishing food, regular exercise and vet visits, and unconditional love. I was once a puppy, and I would occasionally chew up the wrong item, simply because no one told me otherwise until it was a fait d'accomplis. Then, of couse, all hell would break loose and you'd think I'd started World War III. If your puppy chews up your things, it is entirely your fault. You will need to put all your things into storage or sell them so that your puppy can enjoy the run of the house without worry. This will be good for you, too. Most humans are slaves to their belongings and you will find that the less you own, the more time you'll have to dote on your puppy. Just imagine entering a home absent of furniture, rugs, electronic equipment and knick-knacks! It's a great feeling! (You can keep your clothing in nets hanging from the ceiling, or in locked, steel crates, and sleep on a mat by the front door.)

Of course, since you will no longer have any belongings, you will need to buy your puppy some appropriate chew toys and nutritious snacks. I'm including a short list of things puppies enjoy eating and chewing, so grab your credit card and start shopping:

Remember, these will not be YOUR things, but be sure to set a good example for your puppy by picking up his toys and putting them away every night.
-Spiffy


More Pet Peeves

Return to the Table of Contents