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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Spiffy,
My husband gave me a Gila Monster for Christmas and he doesn't seem like a good house pet - he's bitten me twice already and I don't feel too good. Should I return him to the pet store or can he be trained?
-Swelling up and turning black in places
Dear Swelling,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!
-Spiffy
TRANSLATION:
Dear Swelling,
The best pets are those who are capable of injecting powerful neurotoxins into the hands that feed them. Evidently you have not yet learned to adeptly handle your cuddly new friend and he is merely teaching you in the only way that you will understand. It is not he who must be trained, you see.
Like all monsters, Gila Monsters need love, understanding and an abundant supply of fresh meat. It's a shame, really, that the word "monster" is even in their name. People expect the worst from monsters and they unconsciously set up a dynamic in which they will receive precisely that. My advice to you is to forget that your new four-legged child is a monster. Think of him as a Gila Puppy and you'll get along much better. Your fear will magically evaporate and soon you'll be snuggling with him every night while he sucks on your hair and nibbles on your ear. As long as he doesn't start chewing, you'll be fine.
The parts of your body that have turned black will, of course, require amputation. This will necessitate surgical precision and relatively sterile conditions and should not be attempted at home. My mother's associates in The League of the Living Dead will be happy to perform this operation for you, gratis. Please call them for an appointment.
-Spiffy
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