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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Pet Peeves

Dear Ghoulfriend,
Who would win in a fight, Lassie or Spiffy?
-Monrozombi


Dear Monrozombi,
I can't help noticing that this is not the first time you have submitted a question regarding my beloved canine child. I am beginning to feel uneasy about your relationship with her; you seem to have developed an unhealthy obsession. I have spoken with your fiancée about this and she, too, is worried. We have concluded that you will require intensive psychotherapy prior to your marriage to your fiancée and/or further, unsupervised visits with Spiffy.

As luck would have it, our staff psychiatrist Dr. D. Kaye has an opening this Thursday at 10:00 A.M. I have spoken with him and he has agreed to treat you provided you are willing to delve into what he believes are unresolved issues arising from your mortal death experience. Death is usually enjoyable but it seems to have warped you in some fundamental way. Your death will have to be reenacted in order for you to enjoy healthy and fulfilling relationships with others. This will be painful but don't worry - there will be no fatal head shots involved. The loss of both legs seems inevitable, though. Our surgeons might be able to reattach yours or find some suitable replacements for you after your psychotherapy has ended. (We have an extra pair of ladies' legs on ice; perhaps you'd find those attractive substitutes for your own!)

We all believe that while you underwent your particularly gruesome mortal death (I'm so sorry you lost both eyes and your nose - but that's to be expected when you get caught in the crush of a blue-light special on Christmas Eve!), you were in the vicinity of a SpiffyCards™ kiosk and now the sight of Spiffy's image recalls a vaguely painful memory that your befuddled brain has attempted to suppress. I know your death was brutal, but Spiffy had nothing to do with it, and you must cease making her the target of your passive-aggressive fantasies. I trust that after just one session with the doctor, you'll be feeling like your old self again - only shorter. See you Thursday.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Pet Peeves

Dear Ghoulfriend,
Who would win in a fight, Lassie or Spiffy?
-Monrozombi


Dear Monrozombi,
I can't help noticing that this is not the first time you have submitted a question regarding my beloved canine child. I am beginning to feel uneasy about your relationship with her; you seem to have developed an unhealthy obsession. I have spoken with your fiancée about this and she, too, is worried. We have concluded that you will require intensive psychotherapy prior to your marriage to your fiancée and/or further, unsupervised visits with Spiffy.

As luck would have it, our staff psychiatrist Dr. D. Kaye has an opening this Thursday at 10:00 A.M. I have spoken with him and he has agreed to treat you provided you are willing to delve into what he believes are unresolved issues arising from your mortal death experience. Death is usually enjoyable but it seems to have warped you in some fundamental way. Your death will have to be reenacted in order for you to enjoy healthy and fulfilling relationships with others. This will be painful but don't worry - there will be no fatal head shots involved. The loss of both legs seems inevitable, though. Our surgeons might be able to reattach yours or find some suitable replacements for you after your psychotherapy has ended. (We have an extra pair of ladies' legs on ice; perhaps you'd find those attractive substitutes for your own!)

We all believe that while you underwent your particularly gruesome mortal death (I'm so sorry you lost both eyes and your nose - but that's to be expected when you get caught in the crush of a blue-light special on Christmas Eve!), you were in the vicinity of a SpiffyCards™ kiosk and now the sight of Spiffy's image recalls a vaguely painful memory that your befuddled brain has attempted to suppress. I know your death was brutal, but Spiffy had nothing to do with it, and you must cease making her the target of your passive-aggressive fantasies. I trust that after just one session with the doctor, you'll be feeling like your old self again - only shorter. See you Thursday.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


More Pet Peeves

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