Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Pet Peeves

Dear Spiffy,
I'm a Smooth Fox Terrier and I'm surreptitiously using my person's computer to write to you. He (my person) has an annoying habit of putting faux "reindeer antlers" and Santa hats on my head and taking pictures of me in demeaning poses. This is bad. What is worse is that he then sends these "precious memories" (I call them "evidence") to his friends who make a huge fuss over how "cute" I look. I am embarrassed beyond measure and want this to stop immediately, but if I bite him, he'll call in a canine psychologist to analyze me and that will only waste my time. Do you have any suggestions on managing a fatuous human?
-Lucky


Dear Lucky,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!
-Spiffy

TRANSLATION:

Dear Lucky,
I really don't understand why you don't like headgear; I happen to love it, and I'm sure you do look cute in yours -- but to each his own, I suppose.

Managing our humans (or, in my case, the "living dead") is sometimes a thankless, grueling, full-time job. Proper training is absolutely essential to establishing a mutually satisfying relationship with your human pet. It is apparent that you have not yet adequately trained your person and this is the reason you are plagued by embarrassing situations. This will take some time, but it will be well worth it in the long run.

Step One: Get your person's full attention.
Bark incessantly until he looks at you. Physically pin him down if necessary. Look into his eyes. Bare your teeth. You now have his undivided attention.

Step Two: Wear him down.
Maintain his attention by tearing up his favorite shoes and family photo albums. Do this every time he leaves the house. When he attempts to scold or reprimand you, bare your teeth again. Then immediately adopt a contrite expression (bowed head, tail between legs, etc.). This will make your person feel bad and he won't know what to do. You will not be punished. If you can manage to smile, this will work magic. He may cry over the loss of his possessions, but this is not your problem.

Step Three: Be demanding.
Bark, bare your teeth and then smile. He will be so impressed with your vocabulary and range of emotions that he will do anything you ask. Ask for steak.

Step Four: Bite the hand that feeds you.
When you see him getting hats, bunny ears or antlers out of storage, bare your teeth once more and growl. If he reaches for you, bite him quickly but don't break the skin. Do this repeatedly until he learns not to dress you up.

Step Five: Learn to use the camera.
You are now fully in charge of the household and your person. Take some shots of him wearing a bowl of fruit on his head and be sure to send them to all his girlfriends and coworkers. I promise that he will never humiliate you again.

This is how I trained Ghoulfriend, though I didn't need to bare my teeth or bite her. You'll instinctively know the correct course of action required for training your human. Good luck with that.
-Spiffy


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Pet Peeves

Dear Spiffy,
I'm a Smooth Fox Terrier and I'm surreptitiously using my person's computer to write to you. He (my person) has an annoying habit of putting faux "reindeer antlers" and Santa hats on my head and taking pictures of me in demeaning poses. This is bad. What is worse is that he then sends these "precious memories" (I call them "evidence") to his friends who make a huge fuss over how "cute" I look. I am embarrassed beyond measure and want this to stop immediately, but if I bite him, he'll call in a canine psychologist to analyze me and that will only waste my time. Do you have any suggestions on managing a fatuous human?
-Lucky


Dear Lucky,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!
-Spiffy

TRANSLATION:

Dear Lucky,
I really don't understand why you don't like headgear; I happen to love it, and I'm sure you do look cute in yours -- but to each his own, I suppose.

Managing our humans (or, in my case, the "living dead") is sometimes a thankless, grueling, full-time job. Proper training is absolutely essential to establishing a mutually satisfying relationship with your human pet. It is apparent that you have not yet adequately trained your person and this is the reason you are plagued by embarrassing situations. This will take some time, but it will be well worth it in the long run.

Step One: Get your person's full attention.
Bark incessantly until he looks at you. Physically pin him down if necessary. Look into his eyes. Bare your teeth. You now have his undivided attention.

Step Two: Wear him down.
Maintain his attention by tearing up his favorite shoes and family photo albums. Do this every time he leaves the house. When he attempts to scold or reprimand you, bare your teeth again. Then immediately adopt a contrite expression (bowed head, tail between legs, etc.). This will make your person feel bad and he won't know what to do. You will not be punished. If you can manage to smile, this will work magic. He may cry over the loss of his possessions, but this is not your problem.

Step Three: Be demanding.
Bark, bare your teeth and then smile. He will be so impressed with your vocabulary and range of emotions that he will do anything you ask. Ask for steak.

Step Four: Bite the hand that feeds you.
When you see him getting hats, bunny ears or antlers out of storage, bare your teeth once more and growl. If he reaches for you, bite him quickly but don't break the skin. Do this repeatedly until he learns not to dress you up.

Step Five: Learn to use the camera.
You are now fully in charge of the household and your person. Take some shots of him wearing a bowl of fruit on his head and be sure to send them to all his girlfriends and coworkers. I promise that he will never humiliate you again.

This is how I trained Ghoulfriend, though I didn't need to bare my teeth or bite her. You'll instinctively know the correct course of action required for training your human. Good luck with that.
-Spiffy


More Pet Peeves

Return to the Table of Contents