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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Spiffy,
My one year old cat keeps attacking my fish tank. The fish are becoming quite traumatized and hide underneath the fake plants all day. How can I distract the little fuzzy bastard and secure my aquatic friends' sanity?!
-Mrs. Paul
Dear Mrs. Paul,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!
-Spiffy
TRANSLATION:
Dear Mrs. Paul,
I'm afraid you have it backwards. The fish aren't afraid of your cat; the fish are behaving strangely and your cat is naturally attracted to their erratic movements and psychic cries for help. Your cat is trying to tell you that your fish are in danger. They are living in a toxic environment filled with PCP-leaching plastic plants! This should be your primary concern. Your fake plants may also contain dioxins, ethylbenzene, toluene and xylene. I would bet that your fish suffer from frequent hallucinations and low sperm counts. It's no wonder they're acting twitchy! Please remove the offending plants immediately and replace them with natural aquatic greenery, before your fish suffer irreversible brain damage. Once the faux flora is vanquished, your cat will be able to get back to the business of knocking your precious action figures off shelves and batting them around the floor.
-Spiffy
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