Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Pet Peeves

Dear Spiffy,
I know you'll understand this problem and you're my last chance for help. My dog tears up my house while I'm at work. He chews up my stuff and replacing everything he's destroyed is costing me a bundle. My vet told me that I either have to lock him in a cage or put him on doggie Prozac. What should I do?
-Doggie Daddy


Dear Doggie Daddy,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!
-Spiffy

TRANSLATION:

Dear Doggie Daddy,
As you know, I, too, had separation anxiety issues when I was a pup. I chewed up the entire contents of Ghoulfriend's home, and pieces of several friends of hers. I feel somewhat remorseful about it now, but really, it wasn't completely my fault. If she had stayed home with me all the time, none of those things would have been destroyed. If she'd taken me with her when she left the house on her "hunting trips", I wouldn't have felt the compulsion to retaliate. You humans simply don't understand what we are forced to endure when we're left home alone.

Picture this: The phone rings and suddenly the voice of a stranger fills the room. We are territorial creatures and naturally, we have to attack the phone to prevent the stranger from invading the den and threatening the pack. It is not our fault that phones are so fragile. Humans who live with dogs should not purchase inferior products that cannot withstand the zeal of our protective instincts.

Here's another scenario: Someone rings the doorbell. We throw ourselves against the door to demonstrate to the stranger that we are fierce and that it would be unwise to enter. When the stranger looks through the window, we must lunge at the window to prove our ferocity and protect our den (if other objects are handy, it's simply good theater to growl while shredding them to pieces, in full view of the stranger). When the stranger taps on the window and talks baby-talk to us, we are left with no alternative but to jump through said window, toward the throat of the offending stranger. We did not invent glass, and if we had, it would be unbreakable. Again, this is your fault.

At this point you have a clear understanding of why your house is trashed when you return home from work each day. We do it all for you.
-Spiffy


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Pet Peeves

Dear Spiffy,
I know you'll understand this problem and you're my last chance for help. My dog tears up my house while I'm at work. He chews up my stuff and replacing everything he's destroyed is costing me a bundle. My vet told me that I either have to lock him in a cage or put him on doggie Prozac. What should I do?
-Doggie Daddy


Dear Doggie Daddy,
Woof! Wah-wah-woo!
-Spiffy

TRANSLATION:

Dear Doggie Daddy,
As you know, I, too, had separation anxiety issues when I was a pup. I chewed up the entire contents of Ghoulfriend's home, and pieces of several friends of hers. I feel somewhat remorseful about it now, but really, it wasn't completely my fault. If she had stayed home with me all the time, none of those things would have been destroyed. If she'd taken me with her when she left the house on her "hunting trips", I wouldn't have felt the compulsion to retaliate. You humans simply don't understand what we are forced to endure when we're left home alone.

Picture this: The phone rings and suddenly the voice of a stranger fills the room. We are territorial creatures and naturally, we have to attack the phone to prevent the stranger from invading the den and threatening the pack. It is not our fault that phones are so fragile. Humans who live with dogs should not purchase inferior products that cannot withstand the zeal of our protective instincts.

Here's another scenario: Someone rings the doorbell. We throw ourselves against the door to demonstrate to the stranger that we are fierce and that it would be unwise to enter. When the stranger looks through the window, we must lunge at the window to prove our ferocity and protect our den (if other objects are handy, it's simply good theater to growl while shredding them to pieces, in full view of the stranger). When the stranger taps on the window and talks baby-talk to us, we are left with no alternative but to jump through said window, toward the throat of the offending stranger. We did not invent glass, and if we had, it would be unbreakable. Again, this is your fault.

At this point you have a clear understanding of why your house is trashed when you return home from work each day. We do it all for you.
-Spiffy


More Pet Peeves

Return to the Table of Contents