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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I would like some suggestions or recommendations on maintaining my sanity (and staying out of prison) through the oh-so-freakin'-merry Christmas season.
-Scrooged
Dear Scrooged,
Believe me, darling, Christmas is a horror for many, but some of us have learned to have fun despite the commercially-contrived, maniacally cloying, manufactured glee that permeates this otherwise lovely time of the year. My favorite pastime is tweaking the Christmas-loving masses.
As you know, I have no family to speak of - they were unceremoniously killed off years ago, and I've been forced to spend my holidays by myself. Though nothing has ever surpassed the thrill of discovering my Easy Bake Oven under the tree when I was a child, I've come to view Christmas as just a really nice break from other "people." I relish the fact that I am unencumbered by familial gatherings which more often than not, used to come to blows.
Christmas is for children, and when they finally discover that Santa is actually a member of The League, it sort of takes the shine off the holiday for them. I don't know why -- he only eats "the bad." He's somewhat of a recluse and chooses to live at the North Pole all year long. It makes the delivery of his take-out orders quite difficult, but that's what our drones get paid for, I guess.
Anyway, here are some things I do to amuse myself during this dreadful season:
- Befriend a department store Santa and get him smashed before his shift.
- Make some lovely black snowflakes to hang in your window.
- Decorate your tree with pictures of your favorite League members.
- Soak your neighbor's Yule Log in gasoline.
- Put fake tombstones bearing the names of Santa's reindeer in your yard.
- Hang real stockings (with real legs in them) on your fireplace.
- Yell "boo!" at Christmas carolers when they come to your home.
- Stuff your boss down the chimney.
Please, dear reader, don't ever forget -- no matter how bleak things may seem, the joy of Christmas can always be found in ruining it for others. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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