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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I have a crush on a guy at the coffee shop and he doesn't seem to know I'm alive. Well, I'm not alive, really - I'm a recent inductee in the League. He's a recent addition to the League, too, but he still hangs around the coffee shop out of habit, I guess. He just sits in his chair in a stupor all day. Anyway, I think he's cute, so what can I do to get his attention?
-S. Mitten
Dear S.,
It is rare when two Living Dead Entities actually pair off because we typically have no need for romantic liaisons. Remember, darling, Cupid is dead now, and you don't have to be a slave to your heart anymore. Just how recent an inductee are you? It seems that you haven't completely rid yourself of your mortal desires and until you do that, you're liable to feel rather lonely. Old habits die hard, as do most of our members, but I'm sure you'll be fine in the long run. I would recommend getting into a support group. We offer individual and group therapy to new members and our meeting times are flexible. Please see about making an appointment right away. We'll be happy to rip your heart out if you think it might help; you don't need it anymore. It's a symbolic gesture, really, but most new inductees find it quite liberating.
As for your paramour, my guess is that he's probably still withdrawing from a caffeine addiction acquired during his mortal life. You can speed his recovery by bringing him lots of fresh "food" every day. Share your kills with him and he'll be forever in your debt. The proprietors of the coffee shop may object, so you'll want to gently remind them that the balance of power has definitely tipped in your favor. Once your friend is on his feet, get him out of the coffee shop; it is no place for our kind to be, unless, of course, they're serving Bosco Covered Baristas™!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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