The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Losers
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I had a dream that my wife and mother were pitted against each other in a Texas Death Cage. Should I place a wager on the outcome or call Fox and sell the cable rights? Also, why am I so torn on what the outcome should be?
Awaiting dinner and a hug,
-Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Oh my, such issues! Now, keep in mind that I am not a psychiatrist, but I would say you have some serious psychosexual problems that only Freud himself could properly address. Having said that, I will attempt to do my best to free you from your Oedipal hell.
Unless you live in West Virginia, chances are very good that your wife and your mother are actually two different women. There should be no doubt in your mind as to the functions of each woman, and the very distinct roles they play in your life. I suspect you know this on a conscious level, but your subconscious is revealing your true desires while you sleep. You used the word "torn" in your question, indicating a rather advanced castration complex. As I see it, there is only one thing that you can do to resolve this dilemma and that is to turn yourself in at your local League office and apply for immediate transformation. You are no good to either your wife or your mother in your current condition, and as you are probably too old to benefit from intensive psychotherapy, you will only be tormented by your confusion regarding sex and motherhood. Make sure all your insurance papers are in order so that your wife and mother can enjoy themselves after you're gone. After all they've endured, they deserve a nice Caribbean cruise and some luxury shopping. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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