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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
My girlfriend of four years has recently broken up with me. She claims the guilt of having four abortions has ruined us. She is worried that when she dies she will go to the seventh level of Hell, where the four babies will be waiting to eat her flesh for all of eternity; should she be worried? She also claims that I will endure the same torment or will be forced to watch hers forever; should I be worried?
-Jersey Devil
Dear J.D.,
Surely you're not anxious about living in Hell yourself! You're a devil, silly!.. and devils make a living whipping souls in the 8th Circle of Hell (more commonly known as New Jersey).
Tell your ex-girlfriend not to worry; she is definitely not doomed to the 7th Circle of Hell. That's just the realm of violence and fraud. Her particular sin is far worse than the simple murder of a stranger. Tell her to pack a sweater because she's going to the exciting 9th Circle of Hell™ where she'll be held in ice with her head bent forward for eternity! Your unfortunate children will be relegated to the Gate of Hell but you'll be able to see them every day as you report to work eight floors below.
It all sounds rather gloomy, doesn't it? Much of this can be avoided, of course, if your girlfriend joins The League of the Living Dead. The afterlife is so much more enjoyable when lived on one's own terms. She'll escape the endless humiliation and shame that only imprisonment in ice can bring, and she'll remain a productive member of society. She's already proven herself to be a ruthless killer, and I have no doubt that the transition to ravenous living dead entity will be an easy one for her. Have her give us a call today.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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