Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Losers

Hey Ghoulfriend,
I am an internet troll who often insults people for no reason other than to be a hateful, hideous person. However, in real life I am highly insecure and I can't look people in the eyes. Also, I have not seen my feet in three years. I shaved off my public hair and glued it to my face in order to seem more "manly." Is there any help you can give me in order that I may be a more confident and successful person? Thank you for your time and help!
-D. F.


Dear D. F.,
Your letter made me very sad, D. F., but there is hope for you simply because you recognize the fact that you are a completely worthless pile of human waste that no one would miss if you were to be flushed down the cosmic commode.

I presume you blame your mother (that is such a cliché) for some perceived injury to your fragile ego as a child, but as an adult, it is extremely unattractive to play the perpetual victim and make others' lives as miserable as your own. It is no wonder everyone hates you.

Although your human counterparts may find you repulsive, vile and loathsome, I can assure you that WE do not! Your comment that you haven't seen your feet in three years leads me to believe that you have an endomorphic physique. We LOVE that! You are our kind of people, D. F.! In life, you are clearly a dismal failure, doomed to isolation and depression, but in death, you can be someone's salvation! Luckily, I am able to recommend a very specific course of action for you.

Please make an appointment right away with one of our "afterlife counselors" at the League of the Living Dead office nearest you. He or she will review your options and allow you to choose the exact time and manner of death that appeals to you (i.e. suffocation, stabbing, ice-pick to the eye, severed aorta), where on your person you'd like to be bitten and what specific body parts you'd be willing to sacrifice in the process of your transformation. Once you have reanimated, you will be provided with a handbook and your new union contract. At that point, you will live only for "the food" and all of your other troubles will be over. People will no longer despise you for WHO you are; they will fear you for WHAT you are. That, my dear, will be a big improvement in your life.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Losers

Hey Ghoulfriend,
I am an internet troll who often insults people for no reason other than to be a hateful, hideous person. However, in real life I am highly insecure and I can't look people in the eyes. Also, I have not seen my feet in three years. I shaved off my public hair and glued it to my face in order to seem more "manly." Is there any help you can give me in order that I may be a more confident and successful person? Thank you for your time and help!
-D. F.


Dear D. F.,
Your letter made me very sad, D. F., but there is hope for you simply because you recognize the fact that you are a completely worthless pile of human waste that no one would miss if you were to be flushed down the cosmic commode.

I presume you blame your mother (that is such a cliché) for some perceived injury to your fragile ego as a child, but as an adult, it is extremely unattractive to play the perpetual victim and make others' lives as miserable as your own. It is no wonder everyone hates you.

Although your human counterparts may find you repulsive, vile and loathsome, I can assure you that WE do not! Your comment that you haven't seen your feet in three years leads me to believe that you have an endomorphic physique. We LOVE that! You are our kind of people, D. F.! In life, you are clearly a dismal failure, doomed to isolation and depression, but in death, you can be someone's salvation! Luckily, I am able to recommend a very specific course of action for you.

Please make an appointment right away with one of our "afterlife counselors" at the League of the Living Dead office nearest you. He or she will review your options and allow you to choose the exact time and manner of death that appeals to you (i.e. suffocation, stabbing, ice-pick to the eye, severed aorta), where on your person you'd like to be bitten and what specific body parts you'd be willing to sacrifice in the process of your transformation. Once you have reanimated, you will be provided with a handbook and your new union contract. At that point, you will live only for "the food" and all of your other troubles will be over. People will no longer despise you for WHO you are; they will fear you for WHAT you are. That, my dear, will be a big improvement in your life.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


More Losers

Return to the Table of Contents