Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Losers

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I'm a stalker and I'd like to learn some fail-safe methods of abduction.
-Lurking just outside your door


Dear Lurkey,
Oh, how you flatter me! It's been ages since someone offered to abduct me. My last abduction ended rather badly. A naive stalker dragged me to some Godforsaken shack in the middle of Ohio. I'd been really busy that day, trying to meet a deadline, and I hadn't had enough to eat. He offered to buy me a hamburger at a truck stop, but animal flesh just doesn't do it for me - never did, really. I was ravenous by the time we arrived at his place and I couldn't help attacking him. I really don't understand why he was so insulted - I mean, it WAS his fault. Anyway, after a tedious chase through a corn field (where the dufus lost his car keys), I finally caught him and had my dinner. I usually prefer not to rough it, as I've been living a life of relative luxury all these years, but dining under the canopy of the corn was rather exhilarating and it was nice to know that I could still roll with the punches when necessary. I was forced to hitchhike back home along Interstate 80. It was a dreadful night - rainy and cold - and I stood on the side of the road for hours before a long-haul trucker picked me up. Lucky for him I was satiated by then, or I'd be the proud owner of an 18-wheel Peterbilt now. People just don't realize how high-maintenance I can be. I really don't mean to be difficult, but it seems to come with the territory. As a zombie, I have no need for sleep, so I'm up all hours of the day and night, pacing back and forth, trying to come up with solutions to the world's problems (it's not easy being me). I get hungry very frequently, and if I'm not provided with fresh meat every two hours (it must be a low blood sugar thing), I tend to attack the nearest human in my vicinity and then they take it as a personal affront! I simply can't help myself. I also like to keep some old meat and bones on hand (no pun intended) to gnaw on for between-meal snacks, and the odor of the leftovers isn't usually too appetizing to your people. You're all so squeamish about these things!

So, you see, dear, you may want to set your sights on someone easier. Life with me is no picnic.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Losers

Dear Ghoulfriend,
I'm a stalker and I'd like to learn some fail-safe methods of abduction.
-Lurking just outside your door


Dear Lurkey,
Oh, how you flatter me! It's been ages since someone offered to abduct me. My last abduction ended rather badly. A naive stalker dragged me to some Godforsaken shack in the middle of Ohio. I'd been really busy that day, trying to meet a deadline, and I hadn't had enough to eat. He offered to buy me a hamburger at a truck stop, but animal flesh just doesn't do it for me - never did, really. I was ravenous by the time we arrived at his place and I couldn't help attacking him. I really don't understand why he was so insulted - I mean, it WAS his fault. Anyway, after a tedious chase through a corn field (where the dufus lost his car keys), I finally caught him and had my dinner. I usually prefer not to rough it, as I've been living a life of relative luxury all these years, but dining under the canopy of the corn was rather exhilarating and it was nice to know that I could still roll with the punches when necessary. I was forced to hitchhike back home along Interstate 80. It was a dreadful night - rainy and cold - and I stood on the side of the road for hours before a long-haul trucker picked me up. Lucky for him I was satiated by then, or I'd be the proud owner of an 18-wheel Peterbilt now. People just don't realize how high-maintenance I can be. I really don't mean to be difficult, but it seems to come with the territory. As a zombie, I have no need for sleep, so I'm up all hours of the day and night, pacing back and forth, trying to come up with solutions to the world's problems (it's not easy being me). I get hungry very frequently, and if I'm not provided with fresh meat every two hours (it must be a low blood sugar thing), I tend to attack the nearest human in my vicinity and then they take it as a personal affront! I simply can't help myself. I also like to keep some old meat and bones on hand (no pun intended) to gnaw on for between-meal snacks, and the odor of the leftovers isn't usually too appetizing to your people. You're all so squeamish about these things!

So, you see, dear, you may want to set your sights on someone easier. Life with me is no picnic.
Love,
Ghoulfriend


More Losers

Return to the Table of Contents