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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I am smitten with a girl who doesn't know I'm alive. I follow her around wherever she goes, but she doesn't seem to know I'm there. Do you think she'll notice me if I stare at her long enough?
-Reese
Dear Reese,
There is nothing more pathetic and nauseating than a man (or woman) who doesn't realize that the object of his (or her) affection is deliberately ignoring him (or her). Yes, I said "deliberately." If you are indeed following her and staring at her, she knows you are alive. She simply doesn't care to acknowledge your existence. At this point, she has probably already been to the authorities and obtained a restraining order against you.
Stalkers of any ilk are creepy, but don't let that stop you. If you feel that you MUST have this girl, by all means, capture her. Do so by any means possible. You've undoubtedly heard of "The Stockholm Syndrome" - hostages, when held in captivity long enough, tend to identify and bond with their captors. In no time at all, this girl you adore will come to love you. Of course, you must make certain that she can never escape you, because that bond won't last forever if she's not under your constantly watchful eye.
Hostage-holding is a full-time job. It will require round-the-clock vigilance. If you are employed, you will have to quit your job. You cannot exert sufficient control over someone's life on a part-time basis. You will have to watch her every move twenty four hours a day, every day, for as long as you live. She will be allowed to sleep, but you won't. If you think you have this kind of stamina, go for it. You will, of course, suffer the first of many psychotic breaks due to sleep deprivation at some point during the first three months, but she's worth it, right? If you can get through these really nasty periods without resorting to self-mutilation or suicide, you will know without a doubt that she's the girl for you.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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