Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Losers

Dear Ghoulfriend,
Please settle an argument. My idiot friend Dieter keeps sayin' that those old Universal horror movies are best. Werewolf droppings! The British Hammer-horrors are way better. I mean, there ain't even no comparison here! Hammer has Chris Lee, Peter Cushing, all those hot babes with humongous ta-ta's, and the movies are in color - RED blood on the babes, RED lipstick on the babes, a RED cape on Dracula! I just know you're gonna be with me on this one!
Your fan (even though you were in black and white),
-Brad


Dear Brad,

This is strictly a matter of personal taste, though I really must side with Dieter. I too prefer the bleak and dreary quality of a black and white world.

It's too bad they don't make movies in red and white, because on the surface, it would seem that you are obsessed with the color red. There are other colors in the spectrum, you know. Please allow me to educate you in the basics of color: There are primary colors: red, blue, yellow; secondary colors: orange, green, violet; and tertiary colors: various mixtures of primary and secondary colors. However, when one digs a bit deeper into your question, one can see that it's not a particular color you're fascinated with as much as specific objects in the movies; i.e., lips, breasts, Dracula's cape, etc. You are not viewing the films as a whole; rather you are focusing on separate elements which serve to distract you from the plot, and this particular preoccupation speaks volumes about you.

From your letter, I can deduce that you're a frustrated, anal-retentive, aspiring drag queen with an obsessive compulsive disorder. Your description of the women in these films smacks of false machismo and I suspect that you are probably a physically small, rather meek and impotent man who dresses in women's clothing and wears too much makeup. Might I recommend that you seek a consultation with the counselors at The Barton Drive-Thru Laser-Orchiectomy Center™? I believe they could solve many of your self-loathing issues and that nasty inclination to objectify the very women you yearn to emulate. When you finally become a woman yourself, you will discover that the Universal films are far more ethereal and painterly in mood and tone, and that you look much better in a more subtle, coral shade of lipstick.

Love,
Ghoulfriend


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The Ghoul Next Door - Night of the Living Dead 's Little Zombie

Ghoulnextdoor.com

The Ghoulish Guidance Archive

Losers

Dear Ghoulfriend,
Please settle an argument. My idiot friend Dieter keeps sayin' that those old Universal horror movies are best. Werewolf droppings! The British Hammer-horrors are way better. I mean, there ain't even no comparison here! Hammer has Chris Lee, Peter Cushing, all those hot babes with humongous ta-ta's, and the movies are in color - RED blood on the babes, RED lipstick on the babes, a RED cape on Dracula! I just know you're gonna be with me on this one!
Your fan (even though you were in black and white),
-Brad


Dear Brad,

This is strictly a matter of personal taste, though I really must side with Dieter. I too prefer the bleak and dreary quality of a black and white world.

It's too bad they don't make movies in red and white, because on the surface, it would seem that you are obsessed with the color red. There are other colors in the spectrum, you know. Please allow me to educate you in the basics of color: There are primary colors: red, blue, yellow; secondary colors: orange, green, violet; and tertiary colors: various mixtures of primary and secondary colors. However, when one digs a bit deeper into your question, one can see that it's not a particular color you're fascinated with as much as specific objects in the movies; i.e., lips, breasts, Dracula's cape, etc. You are not viewing the films as a whole; rather you are focusing on separate elements which serve to distract you from the plot, and this particular preoccupation speaks volumes about you.

From your letter, I can deduce that you're a frustrated, anal-retentive, aspiring drag queen with an obsessive compulsive disorder. Your description of the women in these films smacks of false machismo and I suspect that you are probably a physically small, rather meek and impotent man who dresses in women's clothing and wears too much makeup. Might I recommend that you seek a consultation with the counselors at The Barton Drive-Thru Laser-Orchiectomy Center™? I believe they could solve many of your self-loathing issues and that nasty inclination to objectify the very women you yearn to emulate. When you finally become a woman yourself, you will discover that the Universal films are far more ethereal and painterly in mood and tone, and that you look much better in a more subtle, coral shade of lipstick.

Love,
Ghoulfriend


More Losers

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