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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I work in an office building. A large office building filled with office workers...well at least that's what I thought they were. The more I watch them the less and less I am convinced that these are human beings. They shuffle about for hours upon hours a day like drones performing the same tasks over and over. They generally just stare and slobber at me and a few others daily. It's unnerving to say the least the way they just glare at me like I'm succulent leg of lamb or something. Come to think of it they remind me a lot of...zombies! By the way I've dubbed these creatures "pod people" due to that the cubicles in this building are called "pods" and seem to be their respective lairs so to speak. I digress... also I've noticed that over the last few weeks a lot of the pods occupied by others like myself have become vacant. It's always the same ones too. One goes out; one comes in. My guess is that if you are not pod material, well...you're pod ala carte. This must be the food supply for these diabolical denizens of the pencil and paper department. All of these unfortunates are relocated towards the center of this floor and other floors in the building. Surrounded. Last week my station was moved...to one of these pods! I don't think it will be long and I hope this reaches you before I take my place as the flavor of the week...literally. Am I imagining all this or am I next on the business man's special?
Help!
Thank you,
-Miles J. Bennell
Dear Miles,
Oh my, I hope my letter reaches you in time. I wish you'd written before you took that job.
You seem to have found yourself in a sticky situation. Those to whom you referred as "drones" are exactly that: They are the drones we employ for clerical work and data entry in our various institutions across the country. Our drones are instructed not to harm humans with whom they come into contact in the course of business transactions, but these drones seem to have their own agenda. We've had a few renegade drones in the past that we've been forced to terminate. Drones are typically revenants who aren't physically or mentally capable of finding gainful employment out "in the field." They perform our most menial tasks and in return they are paid with food stamps that are redeemable at our League-run restaurants. It appears that your co-workers are "double-dipping." This is a serious violation of their contract and it will not be tolerated.
Rest assured that I will speak with the manager at your place of employment. He should never have hired you and he will be severely reprimanded for his lapse in judgment. Likewise, the drones will be flayed and broiled for their disobedience. My advice to you is to call in sick.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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