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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
Recently, I have found out that my pottery teacher is undead, looks suspiciously like you, and has an advice column on the internet. Actually, I have found out that you are my pottery teacher. Please don't eat me! Seriously, I am all bone, and I only weigh 63 pounds. Trust me, the one with the bowl-cut is shorter, weighs more, and would not be as promising as I in the League. Besides, you do teach us SUCH good things about pinch pots and scoring.
(If you are still hungry after the one with the bowl-cut, I have a cousin who would make a fine dish...)
Thank you,
-A skinny, flavorless, student
Dear Skinny,
I am dismayed about your low self esteem. Please don't ever underestimate your worth, dear; bones make excellent stock for soups and stews!
Your bones are safe, however, because I believe that you would excel in The League of the Living Dead. I envision you in an executive position with our union and I will personally train you to be my successor upon my retirement to the delightful island of Matuul.
I can further assure you that I have never devoured any of my students, and I have no intention of doing so now. I prefer larger, more challenging prey. Eating children would be like shooting fish in a barrel or quail-hunting with Dick Cheney. It is dishonest and soulless and there is simply no real sport in it.
"Bowl Cut" is also safe from me, though perhaps he should fear you! You have a lovely, ruthless streak that I greatly admire. There is no doubt about it -- you will make an excellent revenant someday!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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