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Dear Ghoulfriend,
I own a successful worm farm and I have a lot of money, but no one to share it with. I'm ready to settle down with a wife and family. Does the League of the Living Dead have a bridal catalog from which I could choose a mate? I need to find a girl who doesn't mind worms.
-Argee
Dear Argee,
You're in luck! The League operates a mail order bride business and we just happen to be in the midst of our end-of-season clearance sale. Your timing couldn't be better! Brides are currently 50% off the regular retail price, and every week until our stock is depleted, the discounts will only get deeper. We're dropping prices 10% each week as long as our supply doesn't dissolve into a putrescent puddle. At the very end of the sale we'll pay YOU to take what's left off our hands! We have to make room for the fresh models who will be arriving shortly.
Your Lovingly Dead Bride -- fresh or rotten -- will make an excellent wife, housekeeper, companion and mother. Due to obvious physical constraints, she is incapable of bearing live children, but she will dote on your kids as if they sprang from her own loins. She will be very helpful to your business, as well; she'll not only be able to dig up your worms, she'll generate her own!
Your new LDB will arrive with a money back guarantee and a muzzle. Keep her fingernails neatly trimmed and sharp objects out of her reach, and she'll give you a lifetime of joy.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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