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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I have been dead for a while now, but I am hesitant to join The League. You state that The League has a goal to eradicate the human race. Why is this? While munching on a foolish delivery man's arm, I got to thinking. Do we have a future? I'm not a conservation freak, but I do think of myself as a thinking dead's dead. Humans are our food. Plain and simple. We eat them, they taste good. If your goal is to eliminate humanity from the face of the Earth, what do we do then? Not all of the dead and unburied think of these things. Do you plan on having people farms, and harvest them? If one is not in place, I will gladly help keep tabs on our food supply. Sure it isn't a problem now, but with our numbers growing by the bite it soon could be.
Thank you,
-Brandon
Dear Brandon,
I am tempted to chastise you for your ignorance of The League of the Living Dead, but it's clear that you have somehow fallen through the cracks of our educational system. Your indoctrination should have occurred immediately upon your reanimation. The revenants in charge of your territory failed you, and I will personally see to it that they are transferred to the Drone Corps.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but until you join The League, you will receive no health care benefits, no party invitations and no discount coupons. Additionally, you will not enjoy the protection of The Army of the Living Dead should you find yourself in need of their assistance (The Army is funded solely with dues from paying members, and they are not inexpensive to maintain). In short, you will be on your own to fend for yourself. It is imperative that The Living Dead maintain solidarity against the tyrannical and unjust rule of the human race. Must I post our mission statement again?
To answer your question, Brandon: Yes. We will raise humans on farms. We have been experimenting with cloning technology and it has worked rather well, though the "institutional" taste of the product has been somewhat disappointing. Our scientists continue to develop new methods of producing the food while maximizing that "free-range" flavor.
If you would like to sign on as a farm hand, we will happily accept your application. We need more reliable people to feed and groom our "livestock" as the herd increases. The benefits of the job are myriad, including lots of fresh, country air and all you can eat.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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