Ghoulnextdoor.com
The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I've given up eating meat. I know this is a foolhardy thing to do for one of our kind, but I saw a movie recently called "Human Run" which was achingly funny and which just sorta broke my heart. I can't bear to eat the little buggers any more. They look at me with those big, pleading eyes and I just have to let them go
Tell me, what can someone in my position do to obtain sustenance? Oh, I know that Deathstar Farms makes a delicious assortment of soy limbs and entrails, but even these can get tedious after a while. I mean, what's left... FISH?? Ugh.
Help! I'm down to my last "Hum'n Legg®" here!
-Eatsa-No-Meatsa
Altoona, PA
Dear Eatsa,
Your e-mail sickens and offends me. "Our kind" exist solely to eat people -- nothing more, nothing less. You, my dear, are a failed revenant. I must insist that you come into my office for deprogramming, and, if necessary, force-feeding. As of this moment, you are in violation of Article 11, Section 6, Subsection c. of our contract which states, and I quote:
"A Living Dead Entity - hereafter referred to as LDE (see Article 1, Section 1, Subsection a. for other terms used for 'Living Dead Entity') - will be required to execute and consume, in part or in whole, at least one fresh human adult each day. The LDE may stalk prey on his or her own or may partake of fresh humans or human parts at a restaurant, picnic or dinner party. While other substances may serve as supplements to the diet, human consumption is mandatory and under no circumstances may substitutions be made."
So, there you have it. Your current diet is unacceptable; if you remain in violation of the contract, you will be expelled from The League of the Living Dead and your benefits -- and your life -- will be immediately revoked. Have a nice day!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
More of The League Of The Living Dead
Return to the Table of Contents
