Ghoulnextdoor.com
The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I made a New Year's resolution to quit eating people. Are there any "people substitutes" that I can eat that will take away the craving for human meat?
-L. Dixon
Dear L.,
If you are a member of the League of the Living Dead, you are prohibited by your contract to forego the ingestion of "the food." Our sole purpose on this planet is to eradicate the human contagion wherever we find it. You are permitted to supplement your diet with other substances, but you must not simply give up eating humans; you will be excommunicated from the union.
If you are a human with cannibalistic tendencies, however, it may behoove you to change your diet. I recommend the Meat Patch, Meat Gum and Meat Lozenges (all developed by scientists in our League-run laboratories, by the way, to enhance the meat-eating experience). All of these products have been tested on captive human subjects and are completely safe. There are pros and cons to each method.
The Meat Patch is the most effective overall, but it is not without side effects. Wearing the Meat Patch while one sleeps cuts down on meat cravings immediately upon awakening, but it sometimes causes sleep disturbances and vivid dreams of eating meat.
Meat Gum has a mild carrion-like flavor, and it quickly disperses synthetic meat juice into the bloodstream. It is by far the preferred substitute fix.
If you don't like chewing gum, try the Meat Lozenges. These are good for a quick shot of meat, but the effects don't last and there is a rather large rate of recidivism when this product is used alone. My advice is to use the Meat Patch and the Meat Gum in tandem. You'll be able to safely and legally eat "the food" for the rest of your life without the nagging worry of a long prison sentence.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
Return to the Table of Contents
