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Hi Ghoulfriend,
I've been thinking about becoming a professional zombie hunter, and giving up my amateur status, but my friends think I'm "selling out." What can I do?
-Eastside Killa
Dear Eastside,
Zombie hunter, eh? I'll be more than happy to advise you on your career choice. Zombie hunters typically don't live very long, so you might want to reconsider your decision and go back to school for mortuary science and/or cosmetology. Think of the time and money you'll save when we kill you!
I'm well aware of the fame and glory connected with the savage sport of zombie hunting, but it comes with a price, and frankly, not everyone is going to enjoy the fleeting "success" that obnoxious Aussie "The Zombie Hunter" achieved. I, for one, am grateful that his detestable TV show is finally off the air. He made a name for himself by exploiting and meddling with sentient creatures who had done nothing to harm him. (Well, initially, anyway.) His irresponsible televised antics encouraged others to provoke zombies in their neighborhoods and many humans died as a result. Not that there's anything wrong with that... Every week, without fail, he whispered the warning "don't try this at home", while he disturbed zombies in their natural habitats, tickled their bellies and crooned vapid endearments into their ears -- it was disgusting. He was nearly bitten a few times due to his own stupidity and arrogance. I must say, though, that I thoroughly enjoyed his last show and I was somewhat surprised they even aired it.
On a searingly hot day in Perth, "The Zombie Hunter" dangled his infant son over the jaws of a captive zombie, had a sudden incapacitating stroke, shouted "Crikey!" and dropped the baby. The carnage was impressive, to say the least, and it blessedly ended poor old drooling Whatshisname's career and marriage. (His deranged American wife went to live with a pack of Dingos; she reportedly spends her days stealing other people's children.) He was hospitalized and then transferred to a rehab where he was kept under chemical restraints while learning to feed himself again. After his release he crawled off into the bush looking for his wife, and hasn't been seen since. Rumor has it that a League member named Griff got him, but that has not been substantiated. I hope it's true. Either way, I don't imagine we'll be seeing him on TV again. Let this be a lesson to you. Stay in school and don't go pro.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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