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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
Do you favor eating one ethnic group over another? Does one taste better than all the others?
-Seamus
Dear Seamus,
I enjoy food of any and all ethnicities, but my favorite food is that which is seasoned with fear.
Many years ago, we experimented with "farm-raising" humans at our compound in Battle Creek, Michigan, but sadly, the project was less than a complete success. The feed was cheap, of course - we used mainly corn and oat cereals - but the meat lost that wonderful, gamey flavor. Whether that was due to the cramped conditions in which we held our captives, or the feed, we'll never be certain. Either way, the project made them fat and apathetic. Some of us also felt that confining large humans in tiny cages and feeding them only Cheerios was somewhat inhumane. We are predators, not sadists. Most of us prefer free-range humans, anyway. The hunt itself is an enormously satisfying activity, whether we catch anything or not.
We abandoned the project in 1993 and began developing alternative resources for those of us who feel occasionally lazy, and are too tired or busy to stalk prey. We now have a take-out service. We can just phone in an order and the meal is delivered, live, to the front door. What could be easier?
As for those few humans who survived our experiment, we released them relatively unscathed. Some of them had come to sympathize with our cause, and though they suffered some minor psychological damage and a brief, but fierce, addiction to carbohydrates, they have recovered nicely.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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