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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
My next door neighbor is a crotchety old man. He's mean to all the kids and he's always complaining about something.
He never has anything nice to say about anyone or anything. He is quite possibly the most negative man on earth.
I feel sort of bad for him, in spite of his meanness. Maybe he's just unhappy. How do you suggest we cheer him up?
-Jeannine H.
Dear Jeannine,
If you try to make your neighbor happy, he'll resent you for it and become even more embittered toward the world.
Some folks just enjoy making other people as miserable as they are and he seems to be doing a good job of it.
Rather than thinking of ways to cheer him up, try thinking of new ways to make his life even more miserable than it already is.
Lest you think I am heartless and cruel, let me remind you that people make deliberate choices about how to treat others.
Your creepy neighbor has made the choice to be nasty to everyone with whom he comes in contact.
Your task is to see to it that he has tangible reasons to be miserable. Your actions, and those of your other neighbors, will validate his anger, and that, in turn, will make him happy. Savvy?
Let's start with some noise.
- Firecrackers exploded inside cans are usually effective in bringing out the worst in any homeowner. In addition to the noise, the shrapnel embedded in his vinyl siding will render him apoplectic. This will make him happy.
- Have all the kids on the block write poetry in colorful chalk on the sidewalk in front of his home. Encourage them to incorporate creative expletives that rhyme with his name. He will be overjoyed.
- When you walk your dogs, be sure they mark his territory with everything they've got. He will love that.
- When it snows, wait until after he has shoveled his sidewalk and then shovel your own snow onto it. He will be delirious with glee.
So, you see, there are things that you can do to bring true joy and meaning to his otherwise empty existence, and the best part is, he won't suspect that you're doing it all to cheer him up. He will no doubt begin looking forward to each new day with eager anticipation. Let me know how it all turns out.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
More Hell Is Other People
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