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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I know a guy who is a pathological liar. He makes up tall tales that have no basis in reality and ends up making a fool of himself; his reputation, such as it is, is irreparably destroyed. Should I tell him that I think he has a problem or just continue to endure his lies?
-A. Zombie
Dear A. Z.,
Liars are difficult creatures to deal with. I don't know why some people feel compelled to lie, but it doesn't really matter in the long run and they're not worth the time it would take to analyze them. If you are too closely associated with a known liar, your reputation may be tarnished. It's best to nip this in the bud. I have only one use for liars and you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out what it is. Liars are delicious, particularly when served with the house wine. This is my recommendation:
Invite him over for cocktails and drug his Martini. While he's passed out, restrain him, cut out his tongue and eat it (raw tongue is tasty with a drop or two of Tabasco). You won't have to suffer his lies any longer. Granted, the incoherent, blood-curdling screams may get on your nerves, but they will dwindle to occasional whimpers after a few hours. You can keep him around indefinitely after he's no longer able to speak. I would also recommend eating his fingers right away lest he begin typing or "signing" lies. With his avenues of communication cut off, so to speak, he'll be much more pleasant company. You may actually find his presence enjoyable once he's mute. I find that to be the case with most humans. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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