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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
My boyfriend refuses to shower or brush his teeth more than once a week. He's really stinky and I can't stand to be near him unless he's clean. What can I do to persuade him to clean up?
-Asphyxia Sinusella
Dear Asphyxia,
You're not a League member, are you? We LOVE stinky humans; the odor of filth, rancid body oils and dried excrement makes them so much easier to track!
If this really bothers you, and he refuses to cooperate, you have a couple of options, neither of which will be particularly comfortable for him, but they'll make your life infinitely more pleasant and that's all that really matters.
You can forcibly throw him into a tub of boiling water; this will be excruciating for him, but I guarantee that his smell will no longer be offensive to you. His skin will need to be kept spotlessly clean and sterile while his burns heal, and for some time afterwards -- years, perhaps -- he will smell great! By the time he slides back into his slovenly ways, you'll have found someone else to spend your time with.
You don't strike me as the type to keep cadavers lolling about your home, so my next idea may not appeal to you, but please give it some thought before making a decision. Consider hosing him off outside. As it's bitterly cold at this time of the year, he'll probably freeze to death in place. The good news is that freezing to death is relatively painless, and as you know, frozen food has no odor. He may smell a bit freezer-burned, but that will be a vast improvement over what you're smelling now. Once he thaws out, though, you'll be right back in Stink City and nothing short of incineration will improve it. You'll have to keep him outside or in an unheated garage until the weather breaks, or keep him completely covered in formaldehyde, indefinitely. When you tire of him, just throw him on the side of the road and our scavengers will dispose of his remains.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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