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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I am being hounded by a cyber-stalker. I've asked him not to e-mail me but he continues to do so. Can I have him arrested or should I just have him killed?
-Annoyed Beyond Belief!
Dear Annoyed,
Where annoyances and irritants are concerned, permanent death is too quick and living death is too good. What you want is good, old-fashioned, slow torture.
Find out exactly where this person lives and works. Initiate a campaign of e-mails to his boss, the authorities and his wife, if he has one. If he is dumb enough to have e-mailed you from his workplace or work e-mail address, he will be fired. Bosses don't like it when the e-mail accounts they provide as a courtesy and convenience are used to perpetrate cyber-stalking crimes. After his employment has been terminated, contact the authorities. Despite his continued proclamations of innocence, they will put him behind bars. Now it's time to contact his wife. She will have sworn her undying devotion to him, of course, but when she gets wind of the things he's been doing online, she'll drop him like a hot potato and take possession of all of his assets. At this point, he will have nothing left and he'll most likely hang himself with dental floss in prison.
Of course, you could also just block his e-mails. That's what I do. Hope that helps!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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