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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I've been e-mailing back and forth with this guy. I told him that my father was a priest, and he's obsessed with the image of me in a Catholic school girl uniform. Every time I think I've written him a heartfelt and reflective e-mail that deserves one in return, he responds with a short message, consisting only of pleas for pictures of yours truly sporting a short, plaid skirt. If I send the picture, do you think he'll shut the hell up and start appreciating me as more than a sexual object? Do you know a good photographer? Do you think asking for pictures of him filling out clergy garb might take things too far?
-Catholic School Dropout
Dear Dropout,
If your father was a priest, you should be accustomed to scandalous behavior from men. However naughty you believe your pen pal is, he's actually harboring a rather tiresome and clichéd fantasy about you; you'd be better off finding someone more inventive.
My latest e-mail stalker wanted to see photos of me wearing caribou antlers, a gingham apron, fishnet stockings and Chuck Taylors. He's a wildlife biologist from Montana who enjoys line dancing and wearing women's clothing. I had some "boudoir" photos taken of myself in the costume and discovered that it's really not a bad look for me. I now wear it when I attend important social functions, and -- when I'm craving junk food and need to maintain a low profile -- NASCAR races. Anyway, my friend was so thrilled with the photos that he's been sending me trinkets in the mail several times a month. Last week he sent a bunch of Violets tied with a satin ribbon, and in return, I sent him a box of my cast off clothing from last season. I'm sure he'll look great at the Cowboy bar in my capri pants and lace bustier.
I'm sorry, dear, I momentarily forgot this was about you. Tell your Peter Pan that little girls grow up and we don't enjoy wearing plaid at any age.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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