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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
I'm in the 9th grade and I don't "fit in." I'm not one of the "cool girls" in school but I'm not one of the "nerds," either. All the other kids are really mean to me all the time for no reason. I'm repeatedly told I'm "annoying" but is that any reason for people to treat me like crap? High school sucks!
-I wish I was Carrie!
Dear Wannabe Carrie,
Of course, you're right, dear. High school does suck. There is no escaping the social humiliation and degradation inherent in the high school experience. You are at the beginning of a torturous character-building ordeal that will color the rest of your natural life. Should you survive through your senior year without resorting to the annihilation of your fellow students in a freak prom inferno, you'll probably only require a decade or so of therapy to work out your repressed hatred of humanity.
In the meantime, please consider taking a correspondence course in telekinesis. Spiffy's University of Cyber Space, or S.U.C.S., offers an associate degree in this exciting field. With the power of telekinesis at your disposal, there's no reason to suppress your violently antisocial tendencies because there is absolutely no danger of detection! Drop fluorescent light fixtures on the heads of your classmates - you won't be blamed. Slam locker doors in the faces of your foes -- you'll walk away unscathed! Levitate your teacher's grade book out the window and drop it in a dumpster. Know one will know it was you! There is no more valuable tool for a high school freshman! Sign up today!
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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