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The Ghoulish Guidance Archive
Dear Ghoulfriend,
My house burned down and all of the beautiful bones in my collection are scorched and they smell like smoke. How can I bring them back to their original patina and get rid of the odor?
-Die A. Bolic
Dear Die,
How unfortunate for you to have lost your home! I hope you didn't lose any more valuable items in your collections. I was once forced out of my home by a Mob of Angry Villagers™ and had to leave all of my precious things behind. I lost countless, exquisite objets d'art made of bones, skin and hair, most of which I'd collected as souvenirs during my European adventures in the 80s. It is absolutely heartbreaking to lose collections you've worked years to amass. Although I've never had to recover from a fire, I've had a little experience cleaning skulls and other bones after campfires and picnics.
I don't know if your bones were fresh or old, but if you were planning to use the marrow as food, I'm afraid it will be useless now. The heat from the fire will have dried it out and all the nutrients will have gone up in smoke. (Few things are more disappointing than stale, crunchy bone marrow!) Your lovely bone collection has been rendered decorative-only. However, you can still attempt to bring back the luster of the bones by making a paste of baking soda and lemon juice. Scrub the bones gently with a soft tooth brush; the blackened areas will shine like new again and the bones will have a lovely, lemony-fresh scent! I know it's not as intoxicating as the aroma of decay, but it's the best you can do under the circumstances.
Love,
Ghoulfriend
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